We met Cooper tonight. He was a red-haired, 10 year old kid who just happened to be at Dick’s Sporting Goods at the same time as we were. Dawsyn and I had been sitting on the floor watching some high school kids practicing their golf putt, when Cooper showed up to wait his turn on the putting green. Right about then, Troy came around the corner and saw us. The high school kids had finished their putting and Cooper walked over proudly with his golf club. He was a bigger boy, built much like Dalton, so I was surprised when he told me he was only 10. Cooper unabashedly approached Troy and offered him a right handed putter and challenged him to a “putt off.” For a brief moment, I pictured Troy smiling and politely saying no thanks. Instead, he helped Cooper find a better club so they could get their game on. Turned out Cooper was a lefty.
Dawsyn is a watcher. She loves sitting cross-legged and watching everything. This was no exception. She and I sat down on the floor at Dick’s in the golf department as spectators to the “putt off” between the two. I started studying this Cooper. His mannerisms, his voice, and his easy-going attitude took my mind straight to my boy. He was witty. Unafraid to talk to complete strangers that he personally deemed suitable. Confident without being obnoxious. Brazen enough to talk minimal trash to Troy, yet respectful enough to do it with a smile and a twinkle in his eye. The kind of kid who might say to his own dad, “Hey. Calm down.”
The boys finished their “putt off” and I badly wanted to ask them to play another so Cooper wouldn’t have to go. Instead, he put up his left-handed putter and (with a look of amusement in his eyes) thanked Troy for playing. I followed him with my eyes until he disappeared completely through a section of clothing to go find his mother. I resisted telling his mother was a neat kid we thought he was for the sake of her thinking I was creepy. In lieu of that, I looked up towards the Dick’s Sporting Goods ceiling and told DD that it felt like we got to hang out with him tonight for about 5-10 minutes. And it had been perfect.
I cried the whole drive home without letting Troy even see my face. Maybe I just needed to be alone in my hurt tonight. I wondered if he had felt anything back at the store but I didn’t have the strength to ask. That is what the week feels like leading up to the anniversary of a child’s death. It breaks you into pieces like that shattered person you were in the days after you realized your child was never, ever coming back. That is why I hate this week. I hate that I had no idea I was spending the last full week with Dalton that I would ever have. I hate how I got mad at him for throwing food out of the bus window after leaving the homeless shelter. And I hate how irritated I was with him for not cleaning the loft and leaving his shoes where I would always trip over them in the dark.
Once home, I sobbed all through the time I was giving Dawsyn her bath. She ignored it at first and then she started doing all sorts of things I think that were designed to cheer me up. She was doing what any typical 2 year old would do and began to act very silly… attempting somersaults in the tub, putting bubbles on her head, and spitting water at me through her teeth. It hurt me knowing that nothing she could do was capable of fixing what was wrong. That is when I started thinking to myself that maybe it was cruel to even bring her into the world to be the child of two very broken people. Not to mention two broken older siblings as well. I may always wonder if that was totally fair to her or not. I suppose that is something we will have to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide us through. He can continue to lead us in our healing and growing stronger in our faith of God.
Tonight, I just hope Dawsyn understands that it has nothing to do with her. Nope. I am simply a broken momma who saw a glimpse of what being around Dalton felt like again and I loved it though it was short. It makes me hungrier for the real thing. The real homecoming. That feeling of longing just never dissipates. In fact, it grows in intensity the older I get.
But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (2 Timothy 4:5)
I am trying. I can promise you that.
healingthroughloss 
I know your sorrow, but you are right, lean on the Lord and he will carry you through this week.
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I often see glimpses of my family members I have lost in others, a mannerism, smile, looks. I think Morgan Freeman looks like my daddy, only black, so it makes me love watching his movies. There is one movie, can’t think of the name right off hand that he plays a writer in a wheelchair who meets his neighbors at a summer home. One of the little neighbor girls wants him to teach her to write. One scene in the movie he talks about her pocket knife she shows him. He says, ” You can tell a lot about a person by his pocket knife!” My dad had a pocket knife collection, and he repaired them for a small side business. He was meticulous with everything he did. The first time I saw that scene it made me laugh and cry! So I understand. I think God molds humans together with features that gives us glimpses of one another to remind us the ones we love are always with us.
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I’ve never lost a child but I have lost. The anniversaries still hit me hard. I think the more we loved them, the harder we grieve. Its been a lot of years, but I still do. I am comforted by the verse that says God stores our tears in His bottle. He knows. Hang in there mama, you’ll make it.
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You are always in my thoughts and prayers Jenny. We go back a long time, I will always be here to talk to if you ever need an ear or just someone to yell yet and ask why or someone just to be able to not have to hide your face while you cry. You are human, it’s ok for you to cry on things like that. Dawsyn will understand, you guys are not broken you are missing a piece to your family. Someday you will all be one big picture again with no pieces lost, but when Dawsyn gets older have you thought that she might be broken too. She has another older brother that someday she will meet but it will be a long while. She will have to learn about DD through pictures and videos and wonder what her big brother would say to her and a lot of what if’s. You think you guys are broken but you are not, you guys are missing a piece of your puzzle/picture and someday all 6 of you will be together again. Just remember that Jenny!! Love you girl, you are always in my thoughts and prayers!!!
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Thank you Amy ❤️
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I remember when You lost Dalton well and your first blog afterward. I remember emotions for you and your family that no Momma can actually put into words for another mother…they can only feel them because there are no words big enough to encompass their meaning. I secretly sent warm energy and thoughts your way in the hopes that it may somehow ease your pain. And then I lost Geena. And the full confusion and pure heart-fracturing pain was suddenly mine to bear. I’ve never commented on your blog before but today I felt that you should know that your words somehow over the years were preparing me for what was to to come, and I thank you and hope that you continue this mission of love and healing for not just yourself but others like you. Thank you.
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Kim, my heart breaks for you as well. I understand your pain all too well. ❤️
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Wow…powerful…everyone’s hurt and pain is unique to them…blessings to you and Troy as you remember Dalton and cherish his impact on you and others…
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I need you to know.
I am a mother of three amazing boys. I have had many dark hours and because of Gods love, have emerged on the other side of pOVERty, addictions and overwhelm to do some very important work in communities to try and bring healing to others.
Because of the contribution God let’s me give, my boys are having a normal and precious childhood.
I have been running hard the past several weeks with heavy travel demands. Last night I was on my way to Augusta. I was exhausted and running late.
All of a sudden I came upon the trees strung with lights and something profound washed over me.
It was spiritual and I knew it.
When I got to the meeting in Augusta, I shared that my New and Good was coming upon those lights.
Someone reached out to me later and told me about your son.
From one mom to another, in the gaping absence of his presence, I just wanted you to know your little boys light brought me strength last night.
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Rebecca, this makes my heart so full. I, like you, truly believe the light of Dalton gave you the strength you needed last night. Thank you a hundred times for sharing that with me, as well as the story of your own personal triumphs. God bless you. ❤️
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