When I started writing this blog it was after the death of my 13 year old son.  For whatever reason, putting my thoughts into written words felt therapeutic to me.  Writing helps to alleviate the pain I guess.  Choosing a name for the blog was tricky.  Healing was my intent after suffering the worst loss imaginable, so healing through loss seemed like a good phrase.  I knew it wasn’t going to be a one step process and that is why the word “through” was important to me.  I was going to have to work through the stages of my current loss.

Loss comes in many forms.  And, unfortunately, it has entered my life once again.  Except this time it is with the loss of  friendship and trust I have treasured for over two decades. Working through this latest loss is likely going to take some time.  My goal in writing this particular blog post is not to publicly shame anyone.  Sharing this with the intention to get even would put me at the same level as the betrayers.  Instead, I will try to use this experience to lead someone else who is hurting to Christ.  It is impossible for me to share my faith in God and not practice what I preach.  We have enough of these “so-called Christians” in the world masquerading as sinless and above the rest.  They give the non-God followers another reason to turn away from Christianity altogether and label them as hypocrites.  I refuse to follow suit.  In every blog I have strived to be as transparent as possible – giving my readers the good and the ugly.  This will be no different. In order for me to lead by example of showing mercy and forgiveness to the people in this story, you will need to understand the level of betrayal first.  We live in a broken world and as much as I pray this never happens to you, you must not be as naïve as I was and consider that you could be walking in my shoes one day.

To the people that I will be writing about, I would like to say something.  You both knew (and encouraged) my writing to work through the hurt in my heart after Dalton died.  You both praised me for the transparency in my words and commitment in sharing the gospel.  Above all, you knew my blog was having an impact on my readers and that I have the ability to reach a multitude of men and women with the single push of a “publish” button.  Yet, you called my bluff and assumed your deception would never be the subject matter of one.  You were wrong.  But I’m not staring at this computer screen and punching these keys because I enjoy publicly sharing very private details of my personal life.  I’m pouring this out because I need to heal.  Forgiveness is something I will give freely to you both.  Consider it a gift from me to you.

And so it begins.

My best friend called me last Saturday night to inform me she has been having an affair with my husband off and on since 2009 (a little less than half of my 22 year marriage).  Painstakingly trying to absorb what she just said, she continued on by citing other “examples” of his infidelity that she knew “100% were true” (which ended up being blatant lies).  I started crying and told her my life had just completely been turned upside down with her phone call.  She said she was sorry, knew she had been an awful friend, hoped I could find a way in my heart to forgive her and that she was a new person now.  I have no idea why she decided to come forth with this information now, but for whatever reason she did.

This was a woman I have looked up to for 22 years.  I met her shortly after I met my husband back in 1995.  She was beautiful, smart and exceedingly assertive.  Her quick wit and sense of humor enamored me throughout our entire friendship.  Over the years, I watched her grow into a professional woman of great strength within a man’s world.  Her charm amongst co-workers and business partners was mesmerizing at times.  She maneuvered her way up through the chain of command and held an influential position within a thriving company.  In hind sight, I saw the changes in her personality as her success grew, but I chalked them up to casualties of climbing the ever-so-steep business ladder. With that being said, there is no doubt in my mind now that the quest for power, control, and status led to her downfall.

Through the course of our 22 year friendship, we shared more together than I have space to write on this blog.  Births of our children, countless vacations, endless hours of laughter, sharing of our faith and the list goes on.  Three and a half years ago that list included the death of my son (whom ironically was her son’s best friend as well).  While pacing in a tiny waiting room at the hospital, she was the only person I called to say that an ambulance had brought DD to the ER and we had no idea if he was going to make it.  She was devastated for me and left where she was watching a football game from out of town to come be by my side.  In the days to follow, she handled every detail.  She went with Troy and I to make all the funeral arrangements.  She picked out his casket and set up the entire viewing presentation the night of his rosary.  I gave her the clothes to dress my child in for the last time.  Then, the day of the funeral, dressed me myself.  She was more than my rock.  She was everything I didn’t have the strength to be. I leaned on her and she didn’t disappoint.

In October 2016, I gave birth to a miracle little girl.  I remember my friend coming up to the hospital to see her for the first time.  Knowing how badly I wanted this new baby, she had tears in her eyes as she said she had never been so happy for me.  Little did I know she was involved with my husband even at that time.  And during the pregnancy.  And after until Dawsyn would turn about six months old.  “For it is not an enemy who taunts me – then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me – then I could hide from him/her.  But it is you, a man/woman, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.  We used to take sweet counsel with one another; within God’s house we walked in the throng.”  (Psalm 55:12-14) 

According to my friend, leading up to the end of the affair in April of 2017, she said she wanted to commit her life to God and that is why her involvement with my husband had to come to a halt.  In an interesting twist, the day after her confession of betrayal, her account of the affair had already been altered to a degree.  Now she was manipulated by my husband and was the victim.  It doesn’t really matter.  If and when she does fully devote her life to being a changed person, I am/will be genuinely happy for her.  Despite how scorned my voice comes across in these words, I am not her judge and do not know her heart like God alone does.  And, after 22 years, I still care about her soul.  As crazy as it sounds, there are SO MANY memories of our friendship that I will always cherish and do not regret.  That may not make sense to people, but it is the truth.  Praying her admission of being a new person is not under false pretenses (and knowing her like the back of my hand), my guess is she will tell everyone she is relieved and how she is much happier today.  She has come clean of the sins of her past.  Purged her life of lies and the “negativity” that surrounded her.  I suppose confessing to her best friend that she began an affair with her husband 9 years ago sincerely could purify her soul and help her start anew. Maybe this has been eating at her for some time.  If that is the case, I will not judge.  The Lord knows not just her actions, but her intentions as well.  God doesn’t keep scorecards.  If she is this new, born-again Christian, then there is rejoicing in heaven over another saved soul.  God isn’t interested in what we have done.  He only cares about what we have become.

So why tell this?  Where am I going with this?  It is not for pity.  Don’t give me that please.  I am so far from perfect and without blemish that I don’t deserve a single person’s pity.  I am writing this because #1, writing is what I do and I won’t be silenced and #2, there is a lesson here on forgiveness and mercy to be taught. Is it too soon to preach those concepts?  Naturally, in the last 5 days, I have questioned that myself.   In our small group bible study (that comically my friend was the leader of), we have learned so many practical ways of handling difficult relationships by modeling ourselves after Christ.  During the Easter season, we studied a series called “The Keys to a Blessed Life.”  One of the lessons dealt directly with how we are called to be merciful by God.  It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I am slowly understanding why these steps for mercy are so fundamental for those of us who place our salvation in Christ.  The first section of this lesson answered why we are called by God to be merciful to others.  In my notes, I wrote “Because God has shown ME mercy.”  Think of that for a minute.  Are any of us perfect?  Which of us can cast the first stone?  The next three notes I recorded in my journal read, “God commands me to be merciful, I’m going to need more mercy in the future, and showing mercy brings happiness.”  I could stop here now and give a testimony of how feeling resentful and unforgiving only hurts myself.

Forgiveness is an act of faith followed by a journey of continuing to forgive and release.  The definition of mercy (according to Google) is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.  Administering mercy to someone does not excuse what they have done.  It relinquishes you.  The forgiver.  Think of all the horrible things we have done.  The things people know about and things we keep hidden and buried.  Is there anything we can do that can’t be forgiven by God if we truly have contrition in our hearts?  Not a thing.  Let me say it again.  We must show mercy to others because God has shown mercy to us.  On the other hand, there is nothing in the bible that commands me to be friends with a person who has deceived me.  If I don’t ever want to see that person again, or talk to that person again, I don’t have to.  In being completely transparent with all of you, I would be lying if I said part of me gets this image in my head of my friend in her Louboutin heels, fitted designer dresses, meticulous hair and make up and doesn’t fantasize about knocking out her perfectly bleached teeth.  Those thoughts are the very human side of me.  But I can’t and I won’t.  What I DO have to do, though, is be good to those who hurt me.  “Love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:35-36)

You might be wondering where this leaves my marriage.  It takes two to tango and I’m quite aware of that.  I’m also aware in the days and months ahead they both will likely put the blame on the other person.  Does it really matter at this point though? Regardless, the application of mercy will stand in my relationship to my husband just as I have applied it to my friend as long as he and I can build a union based on trust and fidelity from this day forward.  My husband has shown me mercy in the past for my mistakes and I have him as well.  No marriage is perfect.  The “outwardly perfect” ones are generally the ones that seem to toil behind the scenes the greatest.  Ours is far from being textbook and we have a mountain of work ahead of us.  I can tell you that I have two children that, though both are nearly grown, are always watching and learning.  They see the ugly truths of this world and what sin can lead to.  My greatest aspiration as it pertains to them is to be a model of love, hope, and forgiveness.  It is what I want them to show others.  It is also especially important to me that my two daughters one day recognize that their mother was empowered enough to speak up.   Notwithstanding, that same mother (that isn’t going to hide what happened) is also going to show mercy to the ones who hurt her.

Then there is also this 13 year old boy that just may be watching me from heaven.  Perhaps he sees this mess we are living in right now and watches as one of his parents shows mercy to the ones that deserve it the least, and he gives his smirk, subtle head nod, and thumbs up sign as if to say, “That’s my girl.” 

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.  He brought me to this position so that I could save the lives of many people.”  (Genesis 50:20)