29 months. He’s been gone 29 months now. Nearly 2 ½ years. The thought puts a lump in the back of my throat that feels like it’s never going to leave. To add salt to the gaping wound, my memories are becoming clouded. Without pictures, it is getting harder to remember every detail. I couldn’t recall the other day if his freckle was on the right or the left side of his face. Just typing that makes me sick.

Lately, I have felt the heartache of being torn in between the past and the present. To hold on to the past means that Dalton would still be here and nothing would have changed. I would be asking Traci Payne for the fifth time what the name of that soap was that you scrub the red dirt out of his baseball pants was called. Teachers from Collegiate would be emailing me that Dalton needed to stay after school to catch up on overdue assignments. Piles of junk food trash would be stuffed in my couch cushions. I would single-handedly be making a poster for him to ask a date to prom because 1) he had no artistic ability whatsoever, and 2) it would require effort.

Then I look down at the little girl in my arms and realize she would not be here. There would be no morning giggles, no middle of the night rocking in my arms, and no little pink bows. I consider all of this and my heart hurts. Over the past 5 ½ months, Dawsyn has fit right into our lives perfectly. It’s as if she has always been here. Yet, it’s obvious she wouldn’t be if November 15, 2014 had been different. Hence, I feel trapped between what shouldn’t have happened and what did happen.

I don’t know how to rationalize the two thoughts. Maybe I’m not supposed to know on this side of Heaven. I suppose I will understand in time. There has to be a reason why. Today being Holy Saturday feels like a fitting time to express my feelings of abandonment. In those first few months after Dalton died, I prayed and prayed to God to return Dalton, but it felt like He didn’t hear me. Like He had left me. Much like the disciples must have felt the day after the crucifixion of Christ. Can you imagine their questions? Their doubts? Did they feel like Jesus had turned His back on them? Where had He gone?

Soon those disciples would discover that they were not waiting in vain. Their heartache was about to turn into the biggest victory in all of mankind. Their friend, their teacher, and their leader had returned. The stone guarding the tomb was rolled away and Jesus was no longer there. He had risen. Eventually, Jesus would appear to the 11 disciples and calm all their fears. He had conquered death by taking all the sins of the world upon Himself and nailing them with him on a Roman cross. He paid the price that none of us ever could. And He did it out of love. Love kept Jesus up on that cross for you and me. The disciples finally understood.

I no longer have any feelings of abandonment. Of course, I have questions for God. But I do not believe God ever turned His back on me in my most difficult moments. I do believe He was forming my character for the future – molding me into a stronger, more faith-filled woman and mother.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive – Genesis 50:20 NASB

These two pictures below demonstrate exactly what God can do in your life. The first one shows Keely holding her new baby sister, Dawsyn, just minutes after she was born. Keely’s face and body language exemplifies exactly how hard it was to let go of the past – the safety of the only family she has ever known. Opening her heart to our “new normal” (the present) was going to take time.

The second picture is of a big sister who can’t get enough of her little sister. Keely makes baby D laugh like crazy and beg for more with her twinkling eyes. Watching the bond grow between these two has been too beautiful to try to explain. There aren’t quite words to describe it. As a side note, it is important to point out that Colton has been Dawsyn’s #1 fan from day 1. He sings to her, bounces her, and takes her on walks whenever he can. As you can expect, she is pretty smitten with her older brother.

Tomorrow is the most important holiday in church history. Easter is about the resurrection of Christ. He comes back and appears to many people before completing His earthly ministry and returning to His Father in Heaven. As for me, all I have to do is stay faithful during MY “waiting” period and trust that God will work all of this for good in my life. Until then, the feelings of being torn in between the past and the present may subside some, but probably not completely. One day, I will get to ask questions about why things turned out the way they did.  Faithfully believing that God will explain it all, I’m ok with waiting.

Happy Easter.  Go hug your kids.