39.5 weeks pregnant and we are still cooking. I’m not really surprised. Keely and DD each overcooked by four days. I won’t be shocked if our baby girl hasn’t made her appearance by the 28^th. 40 weeks ending on or about my 40^th birthday. Crazy. What is even crazier is when strangers ask me if this is my first baby. I look them over good before I decide whether or not I want to share that my oldest is 20. My reply is often met with people making a face that reminds me of the big-eyed emoji, followed by a “God bless you.”

All in all, the pregnancy has been amazing. I can’t complain about much. Yes, I’m huge. Yes, my hands are so swollen I’m having difficulty typing this. And, yes, I average about 8-10 bathroom trips during the night right now. But that is about it. I feel very, very good and trust the OB care I am under. Every week, Dr. Zielke does a series of testing to make sure baby girl is healthy and strong. I love seeing her practice breathing on the ultrasound. Her little mouth opens and closes as she takes in the amniotic fluid, often followed by a bout of the hiccups. However, nothing brings a smile quicker to my face than watching her heart beat. I dream about putting my hand on her chest and feeling it beat for myself. It always takes me back to pressing on Dalton’s chest while he laid so still in the hospital, begging God to make his heart start again.

Our lives have been very busy lately. I think it has honestly helped to pass the time. Colton works full-time at Global Parts, takes online classes at WATC, and often (with Carly) babysits two precious babies for a friend on the weekends. Keely is enrolled full-time at WSU while cheering, spends countless hours working on drawings for her art classes, photographs individuals, couples and families in her free time, then volunteers on Fridays at St. James helping the kids grow closer to God in children’s adoration. I couldn’t be more proud of both of my children. This is also a hectic time of year for the aircraft industry with the National Business Aviation Association convention starting November 1^st. Troy is supposed to fly down to Florida to attend that event on October 31^st. Obviously, I feel a little pressure to deliver before then lol… as if I have much of a say in that area.

I will admit that I pray our baby girl comes before November. That month haunts me. It is the month I lost my boy and I dread its name even popping up on the calendar. The fact that the 2^nd anniversary of Dalton’s accident is almost here gives me horrible anxiety. Coupling that anniversary with the fear of post-partum depression emerging after the baby’s birth is enough to make me want to run and hide. Maybe it will be different this time. Maybe PPD won’t rear its ugly head after all. All I know is that if any new mom has battled it before, they know exactly what I’m talking about. We can look happy in public and want to crawl in a ball in private. The idea of an anniversary of losing a child coming only 2 weeks after I give birth to another child gives me a formidable feeling that I keep trying to push out of my mind.

As I have done for the past two years, I will not lose my trust in God. He remains in me through it all… the good times and the bad. I would not be here if it weren’t for His unending love for me. How can I not seek him over the next several days and weeks? As our family prepares for the huge change we are about to undergo in the near future, we will call on Him and let Him direct our paths. God has worked to heal us in our brokenness so far, and I am confident He will continue to do so after I give birth to this sweet baby and face the reality of another year come and gone without my third child here with me. Though it doesn’t feel like it gets any easier, I believe we find comfort in our faith along the way. With that being said, I still long for it all to be well with my soul completely. Maybe that is asking the impossible for a mother. Maybe I’ll never get there 100%. Maybe that is the cost of loving someone so deeply. As Saint Paul would say, “Keep running the race.” I can do that.

“It Is Well” by Bethel Music (One of my very favorite songs)

 Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Chorus

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

And through it all, through it all

It is well

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me.

Verse 2

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Repeat Chorus

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul (x5)

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well with me.